I was at church one day when the Smith family (names are changed) approached me asking me to pray for them. Their daughter Vanessa had started cutting on herself. They were distraught, worried, and had no idea what to do. They could not understand how their daughter who was a leader at both school and at church could do such a thing. In their eyes, since she was not having trouble at school or church (other than a few common teen-age problems), they did not know what could bring her to hurt herself. In addition, they were concerned Vanessa was suicidal. After a careful assessment, suicide was determined to be a low risk factor.
Creative Commons image – Pamela Machado
This scenario is played out not only in schools and homes but also in many age groups in churches across America. There is a growing trend among teens who hurt themselves but do not want to die. Why are our kids hurting themselves? How do we support families when they have a teen who expresses this behavior? Since Christian counselors are not a part of every church how should church leaders respond to this trend?
Self-mutilation is an outward expression of an inner pain.
Why do teens begin to exhibit this?
- they may not know how to express feelings such as anger, hurt, and depression
- distraction from stress or painful life situations
- to feel in control
- if the teen often feels emotionally numb, this is a way to feel alive and momentarily cease the numbness
- an overwhelming sense of guilt and that they deserve to be punished
- feel angry but they avoid letting others know for fear of hurting them so the anger is taken out on themselves
Warning Signs
- wearing long sleeves or long pants when it’s too warm to do so or a change from their usual clothing
- consistently discovering scars or wounds
- unusual or inconsistent explanations for injuries
- consistently finding bloody clothing, linens, or tissues/paper towels
- finding sharp items in their belongings regularly
- alone, with the door shut in ones bathroom or bedroom for long periods of time
- isolating/spending way too much time alone
The goal when talking with the child or family members is to uncover and resolve the root cause of the self-mutilation. The goal is not to get the self-mutilation to stop. When we focus on getting teens to stop hurting themselves, they feel unaccepted, judged, and unloved. These feelings will drive the teen further into this unhealthy behavior.
When a teen is hurting themselves they are in need of professional counseling as soon as possible so that the root cause can be found and resolved. This is necessary and cannot be overstated. If you are a church leader and not a professional counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc., then it is beyond your scope of work.
As a church leader what is my scope of work?
- pray for the parents and should the teen want it, him/her as well
- encourage participating in a small group
- intentionally spend time with the family as a means to communicate love and acceptance
- listen, listen, listen
- as the Holy Spirit guides offer words of encouragement or scripture verses
Love, acceptance, and resisting the urge to judge are the keys for both the teen and the family to get on the other side of the pain.
In the end, Vanessa’s parents took her to a trained professional counselor while they continued attending church, got involved in a small group, speaking to their pastor, and receiving prayer. Vanessa no longer self mutilates and when led, speaks of her story of healing.
Aimee has counseled clients and church leaders since 1993, and is available to consult with you on a wide variety of counseling topics. Please reach out to me at aimee (at) charisofarizona.com.
If I might suggest one small edit…You said “Pray for the parents and should the teen want it, him or her as well”. I would suggest that you pray *for* the parents, the teen, and the family as a whole, whether they want it (or even aware of it) or not and you pray *with* the parents and teen if they are willing, together or separately. But I definitely agree with your sentiment that while prayer and compassion are important, a referral to (and explicit acceptance of the need and efficacy of) professional counseling and/or therapy is critical.
Thanks for a great post about a difficult subject, Aimee! Counselors have such an important role to play in helping church communities address challenging subjects like this. The only thing I would add is that it’s not just teens who struggle with this; I’ve known people much older who struggle with it as well. Sometimes I worry that the stereotype that only/primarily teens struggle with self-injury will add to the shame that older adults feel about their struggles and make it harder for them to reach out and get help.
Only somewhat related: I would love for you to write a post about how to find/help someone else find a good counselor! What kinds of things should people look for, what are good questions to ask (especially on the first visit), what should people expect the first time they see a new counselor, that kind of thing… sometimes I think people are hesitant to seek help because they don’t know what to expect, or because they’re not sure what to look for in a counselor.